At a glance is so clear, and the desire is so intense.
But then thoughts creep in. . .
Will I be able to?
Do I deserve this?
Will I be supported?
Who will support me?
Why do I want this?
The list goes on and on.
Our desires to blossom and create joy can feel selfish at times as a parent, whether it is our desire to have a natural childbirth, pursue the cost of education that you hope will elevate anxieties and fears of your birth, and the expense of a doula. So often we sell ourselves short, we disregard our intelligent, intuitive self and we read the book and we hope for the best and in the end we wish we had asked for what we actually wanted instead of short changing ourself again. We bare the weight of it all. When we knew what we wanted, what we needed was so much more. We will continue to struggle with this if we allow ourselves to fall quiet.
Today my boys are nearly 10 years old, I had my beautiful birth, I breast fed them for nearly 2 years, I accepted the fact I would not have anymore children, I pursued teaching lightly, I gladly accepted each couple that asked me to be present at their birth but worried how I will do it if i was not supported at home. I was quiet and polite until it broke my marriage (I was very often not polite to my ex-husband, jealousy, disappointment, aggravation became very normal for me as he pursued his career in theater) .
The path that we imagine, whether it is of our birth, our marriage, our career, our family; it is worth pursuing with joy and excitement. We are all completely capable of accepting the path we wish to walk. We all deserve, learning to accept our true worth. We cannot do this passively, we cannot do this silently hoping one day someone will take our hand and walk our path with us. This is our life why not live it.
So I took a leap of faith in myself, and I stepped back and paused the conversation when I am frustrated with my ex, I sit down with my amazing mother and discuss my schedule and I reach out all the amazing people I know and I thank them for supporting me while I walk my path and today I accept it more than yesterday.