Last month my husband David’s aunt was placed at Hospice, she was nearing the end of liver cancer. We as a family went to visit her, explaining to our twin boys, now 8 years old that Hospice was a very comfortable place and that it was more like a home rather than a hospital, we were wrong. When we arrived to her room Jacob our son crawled into to bed with her, placing his head on her chest and wrapped his arms around her and she sighed with a smile. She sat in her bed continuing to be the host as she always has been. Ezra my other son was disturbed by the hospital setting, she was in a room with 3 other patients, all far more ill than our Aunt Ritie, so Ezra also a natural host closed the current to create privacy.  That first day we decided she did need round the clock care but by us not there. So we cleaned painted and created a room that was bright and cheerful for her to come to our home and enjoy her last days with us. Days that could be filled with the playful noises of children, endless conversations and her sister by her side as she always has been for the last 86 years.

In all honesty that first full day I was anxious scared and filled with fear. I was surrounded by cousins and opinions that I really couldn’t comprehend. Life became about her, every sleepless night was rejuvenated by her smile, her laughter and her constant ability to comfort me even in her slightest ways. We enjoyed music, she laughed when I would dance. She taught me so much about myself and I thank her for that. With her, nothing was dirty or wrong it was always about maintaining decency and trust.

I will alway miss her- but she taught me that death can be as beautiful as our first moment of life, if we follow the same guidelines, Our first and last desire in life is to be loved. The night she died I woke up at 3 a.m. exactly because I know she came up and found me to give me one last kiss goodnight.

Right now I'm reading Ina May Gaskin's Spiritual Midwifery. At first the language was really throwing me off but I guess hippies really did talk like that. But the more I read this book the more the words resonated within me. I looked forward to reading each woman's story about her birth, I began to read about how vastly different each birth is but so completely connected we all are because of birth. Simply looking at a fearful mom and saying you are a direct link to natural childbirth- our simple existence proves that our ancestors gave birth naturally. The midwives in this book are self trained and absorb information every chance they could, they looked at each birth as a learning experience, and by doing that they were deeply connected with each pregnant woman on The Farm. They saw each woman's fears and confronted them- and every time they did, they saw a direct result, by having an easier birth. This book changes my own practice over and over again, I let go of my own fear and move forward, I see each client more as a whole rather than simply teaching the syllabus. Being apart of this work continues to nourish my soul and I am forever grateful.

When I first discovered I was pregnant with twins- I felt overwhelmed and doubtful. When me and my husband took a HypnoBirthing class with Rhea Miller at Yale the doubt began to wash away. I began to let go and let it be. We fell asleep to tapes each night and when the day came to give birth, all our dreams came true. HypnoBirthing worked! For years after our birth we shouted from the rooftops how wonderful HypnoBirthing is- now I am about to come full circle and teach HypnoBirthing at Yale- and each every time I teach HypnoBirthing, women call me up after their birth with joy beaming from their voices and thanking HypnoBirthing for once again teaching women how to trust their bodies.

Having children is one of the greatest joys that we can have, but many times that joy can turn into feelings of inadequacies that we may not quite understand. Entering in a kindergarten room may bring up old fears of schools, a picky eater may make us feel insecure to give proper nutrition the list goes on and on. The goal is to see that for what it was- what was that scare little girl feeling all those years ago that we bottled up and shoved deep down inside of us- something we never quite dealt with in our childhood. When we have children we revisit these feelings. So when our children are criticized we internalize it we feel that pain that we have been hiding all these years, the surface has been scratch and we are a puddle on the floor all over again.

What I must ask myself and others-

What is the source, no matter how silly you may think it may be, find it.

Recognize it.

Listen to it- really listen to that little girl inside you.

Understand it.

Forgive and let it go.

Then take a deep breath and see if the criticism that felt so painful a moment ago still hurts.

See that person as a human being who has similar fears and pains as you do about their own childhood.

Now listen to it again.

Understand it

Take a deep breath and see what you can do.

Watching our children grow can be very challenging, comparing them to other children can be down right painful at times.

We need to see adults and children as humans with there own insecurities and fears and they pass them around as much as possible. Break the chain and heal from the words that passed on you.